Baseball is high on this list of things, so much so that it took me weeks to even want to think about the game when COVID-19 descended upon America. It dragged me down too much.
But because Major League Baseball announced — finally — last week that it had a return-to-play plan in place, it's time to play ball. The lineup cards are in ... my head.
Leading off and playing centerfield for the Negativetown Naysayers, it's Not Safe. Nearly four months into the outbreak, there really is no better tool to fight coronavirus than simply not going to places where other people are. And since home run derbies off tees don't count, there is no safe venue for baseball that involves 18 people, whether it be at Target Field, a bubble in Florida or the surface of Mars.
Batting second and playing shortstop is Misplaced Priorities. It's valid to ask yourself in these times why we've tried so hard to fix sports and not institutional racism, economic calamity and isolation.
Batting third, the catcher, No Fans. What is professional baseball without an audience? Sports that have returned have felt compelled to pipe in crowd noise from video games to help you forget how hard they're straining to fulfill a contractual obligation to provide content.
Up fourth, the first baseman and cleanup hitter, People Could Die, whether it's a player himself or a family member of any age to whom he carried COVID-19 to asymptomatically. Is watching the A's play at the Mariners really worth risking someone's life?
Batting fifth and playing left field, Unnecessary Travel. Under MLB's format, the AL and NL Central will play as a unit and likewise with the other divisions, which is a great opportunity to spark another wave in New York City when a Tampa Bay Rays player coughs on Mr. Met.
Hitting sixth, the rightfielder, Labor Strife. The MLB players held firm on being paid a pro-rated portion of their salaries. Good for them, though everyone knows the business model isn't quite the same without fans, many of whom are currently getting a pro-rated portion of nothing from their jobs.
Rounding out the lineup for Negativetown are the third baseman, 60 Games is an Illegitimate Season, the second baseman My Tigers Were Going to Be Terrible Anyway and the pitcher, Universal DH is an Abomination Against Nature.
And now, here's the line up for the Reckless City Returners. Leading off at shortstop is Bore Dom. Man can not live on the Korea Baseball Organization alone, and not just because most of their games start at 5 a.m. Central time and I'm not a morning person.
The rightfielder is hitting second, it's Informed Consent. Players have the right to opt out, particularly if they or their loved ones have underlying conditions that could exacerbate COVID. They're getting paid good money to participate and they know most of the risks. Many of them probably are looking forward to a chance to perform their vocations.
Batting third, at first base, We Need Some Hope. Opening Day is supposed to symbolize new life and meaning to those of us who put too much stock into metaphors. 2020 already feels like the year without a spring, and possibly without a summer. Baseball returning in some way feels like a spiritual sign that maybe this will be over some day.
The cleanup hitter is the catcher, Baseball as a Unifying Force. I'm not expecting that MLB will heal the deep division in our country, but a conversation about even the horrible state of the Detroit Tigers would do more for my sanity than avoiding another conversation about politics.
Up fifth is the right fielder, the Owners Can Take It. Yeah, they're getting a haircut this year. David Glass sold the Kansas City Royals in November for a billion dollars. That's with a B. Glass bought them in 2000 for $96 million. The billionaires are gonna be all right.
Batting sixth, in center, it's The Twins and Brewers Make My Friends Happy. I know the Tigers are going to be terrible. I've been celebrating any computer simulation of the 2020 season I can find in which they don't lose 100 fictional games again. But the Brewers are decent, and the Twins might benefit from this season format more than any other team in the game (probably because a sixth of their games will be against the Tigers). I've learned that the next best thing to things making me happy is things that make my friends happy. The Twins could do this, particularly if the Yankees forfeit their season due to COVID.
The bottom three for Reckless City, the left-fielder It's Something on TV, the second baseman It's Something We Can Put in the Paper and the pitcher's spot, occupied by Nobody Has To Watch Pitchers Hit.
It's probably good that MLB has introduced softball's international tiebreaker this season because if the last three and a half months are any indication, these teams will be deadlocked for a long time. Batter up.
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June 28, 2020 at 04:00AM
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