The bed is calling to you, and its cozy lure is hard to resist.
You lie down in the spot that gets the best Wi-Fi, with or without a small platter of Trader Joe’s soup dumplings balanced on your chest, and constantly hit refresh on the 47 tabs currently open on your laptop.
While this feels both healthy and productive as the 2020 election lurches toward an outcome, in truth it is neither of those things. Assuming you’re not an election lawyer or ballot counter in Philadelphia, nothing you do on your phone will expedite or change the history that’s about to unfold.
The best thing you can do to preserve your sanity, feel closer to your community and get some exercise, is find a place that has no Wi-Fi (and ideally very spotty cell phone reception).
Culled from recent Total SF urban exploration with Chronicle columnist Heather Knight, here are five great San Francisco adventures that won’t remind you of provisional ballot deadlines, Twitter rants, massive polling errors or 1:30 a.m. press conferences that stoke constitutional crises.
Dogpatch Planet Walk
Starting point: 22nd and Minnesota streets. Look for the frisbee-sized sun on the Slow Street sign and a Dogpatch Planet Walk map zip-tied on a nearby telephone pole.
The adventure: Brought to you by the same family that finished Total Muni Summer and once visited and reviewed every playground in San Francisco, this is an educational tour of the Solar System, a tour of the Dogpatch neighborhood and a celebration of the Slow Streets program.
Dogpatch poet Mc Allen and family — mother Holly, Lincoln (age 8) and Poppy (10) — have created a scale model of the solar system, starting with a sun that is 42 centimeters across. Ten planets (including the dwarf planet Ceres) are spaced out over a 12-block linear path, proportional to their distance from the sun. Each “planet” has a laminated fact sheet tied to a pole with a piece of artwork.
Launching this evening
— Mack (@that_mc) November 2, 2020
The Dogpatch Planet Walk ♂️♀️
A stroll along Slow Minnesota St and 4th St in Mission Bay, with a sign at (approximately) the correct distance from our imaginary 42cm Sun at 22nd and Minnesota. Check it out! pic.twitter.com/etQNy7wIxk
The walk is filled with science and fun facts. (Did you know that Neptune revolves around the sun only once every 165 years?) But it’s also a blast of Dogpatch pride and a celebration of thoughtful city planning. As you follow the line you’ll also see three playgrounds, Esprit Park, a gorgeous newish public space surrounding UCSF Medical Center at Mission, lots of new below-market-rate housing and senior housing, the Parklab food trucks and community space, and Chase Center.
The Guac Walk
Starting point: Harvest Hills Market, 3216 Folsom St. Buy a bandana at the market or download a map at guacwalk.org.
The adventure: For a certain breed of fun-loving San Franciscan, the annual Guac Off in September is the social event of the season. Fans of the BFF.fm Thursday morning show Roll Over Easy gathered at the Farmhouse Mansion in Bernal Heights and celebrated guacamole, community and San Francisco — not necessarily in that order.
If scientists were to design a superspreader event in a lab, it would look like the Guac Off. So Roll Over Easy co-hosts Luke Spray, Christopher Bunting and designer Josh Williams created the Guac Walk, a do-it-on-your-own-time puzzle, scavenger hunt, hiking tour of Bernal Heights, stair-climbing workout and guacamole recipe.
The bandana is the puzzle in this very satisfying medium/hard degree-of-difficulty adventure. You’ll discover a hidden orchard, at least a dozen spectacular views, a poetry kiosk courtesy of Mc Allen (of the Dogpatch Planet Walk Allens) and discover block-by-block the charms of one of the most underrated neighborhoods in the city.
Peak2Peak 2020
Starting point: Castro neighborhood. (Get the secret Peak2Peak map at www.walksf.org)
The adventure: Every year for the last decade and a half, the Peak2Peak crew has offered a new guided tour of some of San Francisco’s most beautiful peaks and the wonderful paths that will get you there.
The 2020 tour is self-guided, and it is fantastic creating an infinity loop centered in the Castro neighborhood, creating one big hike or two smaller 6.5-mile ones. Peak2Peak has a speakeasy vibe — the event is meant to be a surprise. But this year’s walk includes some all-time underrated San Francisco sights, such as the Vulcan Street Stairway, the Mt. Olympus monument (built for a now-missing Triumph of Light statue donated by Adolf Sutro in 1887) and stunning Corona Heights Park.
Heather Knight and I tackled the north loop as a Total SF work meeting and it was the perfect morning hike; the walks between the peaks were filled with stairways, new neighborhoods to explore and a building love for San Francisco.
49 Mile Scenic Route: Tourist in your own town
Starting point: Golden Gate Overlook, Langdon Court in the Presidio. Consult the map.
The adventure: Heather Knight and I created the 49 Mile Scenic Route last year as a way to take the car-focused 49 Mile Scenic Drive away from the streets and give it back to walkers, bicyclists, supporters of independent bookstores and movie houses and lovers of surprises.
Initially we were going to eliminate tourist traps, but we appreciated how much fun it is to be a tourist in your own town, and doubled down on the tourist traps San Franciscans like.
This hike (technically Tourist in Your Own Town #1 on the #49MileMakeover hiking list) is ideal because it’s mostly downhill, starts at the extremely underraterd Golden Gate Overlook view, and ends with Irish coffee at the Buena Vista cafe. (Now open and enthusistically serving drinks in their shared space.)
In between you’ll visit the Palace of Fine Arts, the Lucasfilm Yoda statue and we recommend veering north for an improvised walk through Aquatic Park before your end point at Buena Vista at Hyde and Beach streets.
John King’s city skyline walking tour
Starting point: Transamerican Pyramid, 600 Montgomery St.
The adventure: The columns of Chronicle urban design critic John King often feel like walking into the middle of a good conversation. He loves San Francisco, its past and potential future, and wants you to walk away understanding why — and feeling more excited about exploring, learning or just remembering to look up in the sky.
John’s city skyline walking tour project in September took advantage of the lack of foot traffic in the Financial District and SoMa and took readers on a tour of hidden gems (the Gothic-cool 580 California building), established classics (the Art Deco 140 New Montgomery building) and destined-to-be-iconic new additions (the twisty Mira tower at Folsom and Spear streets.)
Chronicle synergy! King’s tour passes the new 49 Mile Scenic Route at several points, and passes several top picks of Soleil Ho’s Top 89* Restaurants list.
Peter Hartlaub is The San Francisco Chronicle’s culture critic. Email: phartlaub@sfchronicle.com Twitter: @PeterHartlaub
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Need an election escape? Here are five great S.F. adventures that leave Wi-Fi service behind - San Francisco Chronicle
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